I had never been so hungry in my life.
Although I was eating well, your presence left me starving.
The absence of human decency left me vacant, looking for something more yet never finding it.
You thought I was well fed, based solely on the fact that you were force feeding me. Your spoon full of lies, and deception, jammed down my throat. The metal scraping the back and leaving it sore.
Yet when I looked in the mirror I saw skin and bones. A skeleton, frail and withering away.
I needed nutrients, and you were sucking me dry.
Not only were you force feeding me, you were draining me. Each time the spoon was removed, it brought something back with it. My soul, my heart, came back up bit by bit. As if I was willingly regurgitating it for your taking.
Emotionally anorexic. Allowing myself to be starved of feeling. And for whatever reason, I allowed it. I found company in the pain of your extractions and excavations.
They told me I would die if I continued to starve. My wake-up call. I realized I was hungry. So fucking hungry.
The next time you tried to jam your spoon down my throat I sealed my lips in protest. Silent, but resistant. You didn’t like that too much. You became so angry with my silent protests that you left me.
You left me, but your leaving allowed me to start filling up again. My hunger for feeling slowly dissipated as I found myself and the pieces you stole from me. I began to feel full. I began to regain health.
So you tried to come back. I saw your spoon in hand and so I refused to let you in. You tried so hard, you pretended the spoon was an airplane and my mouth the landing strip. I wouldn’t allow it.
I didn’t want to be hungry again.
I began to imagine how empty you must feel, if you came back to take from me what I had gained. Yet I did not feel sorry for you. Your spoon, the airplane, on a crash course and I was the field it wanted to land in. There’s no room in this land for you, though.
I am so full that there is no space for you. No crevice, no crack, no gap.
So I pretend that you died. You are buried deep beneath the soil where I can no longer find you, and I am so full. I am no longer hungry.