I wish I could rewind time and do my whole life over. Figure out where I could do things better. Make better choices. I think we all wish that at some point or another.
Tonight is one of my bad nights. I know it’s not my first and it certainly won’t be my last. I had a sudden realization tonight, though. That realization is contributing to these negative feelings.
The realization was this; I seemingly only have motivation to do things if it benefits another person, directly or indirectly. I don’t do things just for myself. Example: I’m terrified of being overweight. But because that doesn’t really impact anyone but me, I don’t do anything about it. I take care of others before myself. I find more happiness in creating happiness in others. I go to school because I want people to be proud of me, and I know how disappointed others would be in me if I didn’t go. I help others because I don’t want anyone to be sad or upset. I often am a yes man because I don’t want to inconvienence someone or disappoint them.
I have no motivation to do things for me.
I started therapy because I was being threatened with a breakup if I didn’t go.
I started school because I was being pushed to go.
I do favors for others because I feel immense guilt if I say no. Granted, I do say no sometimes.
I guess the trigger of this realization tonight was simply taking a shower. I looked down at my body and saw something I am completely unhappy with. Something I’ve been unhappy with for quite some time. I am slowly gaining weight back. The girl I see in the mirror is chubby, unattractive. My short hair adds to this feeling. My friends are all slim, fit, and drop dead gorgeous. I envy them. Yet I have no motivation to do a damn thing about it. I’ve tried dieting. I try working out and it sticks for a few days, same with the dieting. I just don’t know what I have to do to change this mindset and these behaviors.
It’s strange though. I see people who weigh more than I do, or wear bigger sizes than me as skinny. I find more beauty in others than ever in myself. I find almost every person I meet beautiful and I constantly search for and cling to the good in people. So why can’t I see myself as skinny, or beautiful? Why am I constantly dogging on myself?
I think a lot of my problems stem from my mother. She use to call me fat. Point out my cellulite (which is genetic by the way. Never be down on someone who has it. They can’t control it.). Tell me I look like I’m months pregnant. She controlled when we ate even if we were very hungry. She had a tight grip on food in general. My mother had a very negative relationship with food. She ate out of emotions. For my whole life I only knew her to be obese. I am sure that plays a role in my dislike and my being terrified of being overweight.
When I was forced from my home, I eventually developed eating disorders. Body dismorphia, anorexia and eventually bulimia. My disorders never got to the point of hospitalization or extremely out of hand, but I still had them. Now, I have a battle with food. I eat only really one meal a day. But when I start eating I can’t control myself. I eat large amounts of food and I could eat for hours. I love the most unhealthy foods, too. Sweets in particular. I wish I could keep myself accountable and just get myself together. This is where I have the most problems. I simply don’t know how to get a grip on my diet.
I’m hoping that I can just wake up, and soon, and have a whole new outlook. There have been small things I’ve cut out, like soda (for 9 months now), most red meat, most fast food as well, but what I don’t way in those departments I seemingly make up for in others.
I just hope I can get my act together and soon. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to feel good. I just need to dig deep and find the motivation within.