It’s me…again. I realized last night after reading through my last letter that I left out something that was very important to me.
Do you remember when I was in the hospital? I do. And I will for the rest of my life. Laying in that cold hospital bed on suicide watch, and you were nowhere to be found. You claimed to love me, and that you would get through anything with me, yet you were nowhere to be found.
Do you know who WAS there though? My ex boyfriend. I know, I know. That seems so weird. To you and probably most everyone else. He was there for me. He showed up. He cared. He was the one that understood more than anyone else what I was going through. He had witnessed everything I went through with my parents. He asked if I wanted him at the hospital, and I told him yes. He got in contact with everyone I loved most. Even you. He lent me his phone to contact you to tell you what was going on. He let me use his phone the whole time I was there, because the hospital took every last one of my belongings. He picked up my grandma. Called my grandparents. He was doing all the hard work.
I remember what you said to me.
“I can come to the hospital, if you want.”
I knew immediately that you didn’t want to come. You were at work. Yet he dropped work, school, and whatever else he had going on that day, to spend it with me to make sure I was okay. It was something a friend did. Something someone who cared did, regardless of what they were to me. You never showed up. Your feet didn’t step through that door. I told you that it was up to you if you came. I didn’t want to make you feel like I was a burden. I didn’t want to force you to do anything you didn’t want to do….funny isn’t it? How a month later you would be doing exactly that, to me. Forcing me to do something I did not want to do.
I screamed and insisted not going to the clinic they wanted to send me to. Him and my grandmother drove me all the way to Holland, just for me to yell at them to turn around. I never got out of that car. I wanted to spend the weekend with you, and my family. If I could just see you, maybe I would feel okay.
Later that night I drove all the way to kalamazoo to see you. If I recall correctly, you never even offered to drive to me. The police called me while we were sitting in my favorite coffee shop. I didn’t answer a series of phone calls, and because I was on suicide watch and never went to the clinic, the police showed up on my grandmothers doorstep. I answered the phone and told them I was okay, and everything returned to normal….as normal as things could be anyway.
I don’t even remember the rest of that night. I just remember that I tried to stay off all of social media. I tried to distance myself from my phone and from most everyone. A lot of people I considered friends showed me that they weren’t friends at all. That hurt me a lot.
That whole experience was traumatic for me. I tried to brush off everything that happened.
I still don’t think you’ll ever know what I felt like that night.
I remember we were laying in your bed one night and you had your hand on my thigh over my leggings. My thigh was swollen from the cut marks and you felt them through the cloth. You seemed shocked, but pulled me closer and told me that everything would be okay. That I didn’t have to hide them from you and that you understood. I started crying. It’s embarrassing to have someone know that you harmed yourself. I still don’t know if I should even publish that in this letter. I guess I have nothing to hide. In that moment I felt as though you truly loved me. I felt like we were real. Yet that was only a lie, and it all shattered soon after.
It hurts me to write about this. It pains my heart. Mostly I think because I don’t know how I allowed myself to be treated this way. I don’t know why I let you walk all over me like I was a damn doormat. I think that you saw my weakness as your power. You took any strength that I had and you fed on it, feeding your own agenda.
That’s why it will take me so long to forgive you. There is just so much that needs forgiving, Maybe you don’t even realize that you were doing these things. Maybe you do. It’s hard for me to say, because to me you’re a stranger. You’re not the person that I thought you were. I thought you were someone that I would spend all my time with, happily. And for a while it was that…until it wasn’t even close to that.
Even if I did something to hurt you, I did not deserve to be hurt back. I don’t deserve to be treated like I am nothing. No one deserves that.
I remember your brother and his girlfriend telling me that your ex was crazy. I believed it because I thought so too. Until now. I don’t think she was crazy. I think she was hurt, just like me. I think you lied to her, just like me. I think this is a sick pattern that you will follow until someone comes along and shatters you into a million pieces. Just like you did to us. I am not shattered because I miss you, or love you. Because neither of those things are true. I am shattered because you took things from me that I didn’t even offer to give to you. You essentially stole from me. I am not fond of being stolen from.
So, she was the crazy one, and I must be the lying, cheating bitch. That’s fine. I know that in my heart that isn’t true. I’m sure the next one will have a nickname, too. It’s unfortunate because your parents seem like good people. I really did like them.
I knew last night that I had more to say. I just didn’t know exactly what. There’s a lot to say when there’s a lot of damage that has been done. There’s a lot to say when someone reveals that they aren’t the person that you thought they were. I thought that I knew you through your laugh. I could make you smile and laugh with ease. More than I had ever made anyone laugh or smile. I got such warm fuzzy feelings when we were together. I thought you had them too. I thought you’d never lie or hurt me. I thought I knew you. Time tends to reveal a persons true intent, and true character. I am glad that yours came out sooner than later.
You are a stranger. I hope to keep it that way, for the rest of my life. If I see you, I promise that I will not say anything, to you or the person that you may be with. Instead I will silently pray that she is not going to experience the hurt or the damage that I have. I am sure she will beautiful, lets hope she’s just as intelligent.
I think that this is all that I have left to say. Sometimes I think that I could write a novel. You’d never read it, though. You couldn’t take the time to read my poetry either. Something that meant SO much to me. Poetry is my heart. It’s who I am.
You didn’t know me at all. I am more than coffee. More than vodka cranberries and blackberry ciders. More than fancy restaurants and drives to the beach. I am more than you allowed me to be. I will continue to grow and flourish. I will continue to be the strong, independent, beautiful woman that God intended me to be.
I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. While I am not sure that you had a place in my life, I am learning lessons from everything I have gone through. I will never forget you. I will never forget to tell my future children to stay away from people like you. People that inflict hurt for their own personal gain. Instead, I will surround my life with beautiful hearted, loving people, so that my children will learn from that and know what real love looks like.