It’s approaching…and I’m sitting here wondering how I’m going to handle it and how I’m going to feel that day. Unfortunately for me, seeing people with their dads, and being happy together, is a trigger for me. Not always, but it does happen. Seems to be more so with fathers and young children. Maybe because when I was a young child is when my father and I had the best relationship….and now it’s non-existent.
That’s the last time I heard from my dad. Fathers day of 2016. So now I also have that sick reminder. It’s funny isn’t it? That the last time I heard from him was on his holiday??? I wished him happy birthday last year and got silence. Silence on my birthday this year from him. Complete and utter silence. I think the only reason why I don’t delete the messages between us is because somewhere in there he told me that he loved me. Words I haven’t heard from him in years, vocally. Some of the magic is gone since they’re simple text, but he still said them. That’s what I hold onto. I don’t even have my dad in my phone contacts saved as “Dad,” I have his whole, full, legal name.
Between September 19, 2015 and June 19, 2016, he sent me a total of 7 text messages. 3 of those messages contained ONLY emojis.
June 19, 2016, 10:02 PM. His last message to me.
I wonder what put a stop to the already minimal contact. I don’t blame myself, but I do wonder what provoked it. Was it something that my mom said? Did someone tell him something about me? I would like to think that if he truly knew what was going on in my life, he would be proud of me. Steady job, a car, college student (with good grades), constantly seeking to better myself (and achieving) and I take care of myself completely. Does he know these things?
Sometimes I wonder what my mother makes of all the things I am doing with my life. Is she proud, or does her distaste for her own daughter cloud her judgment and make it into something she hates even more so?
I’d like to think that one day I will be able to have a happy and healthy relationship with my parents. Or at least with my dad. It saddens me to think that the day that happens is probably still years away. It’s already been 5 years. Will I have to wait 5 more? Will a decade go by before I talk to them again? There are so many questions that I have I know will go unanswered for a very long time. And if the day comes that I do get to talk to them again I am not even sure that they will want to answer them.
This is the part where I take the time to thank the people who have stepped up in my life over the last 5 years to play the father role, or any role that may have helped portray the presence of a parent.
Thank you to my Grandma Anna, aka “mom,” for providing me with a loving home. For always wanting to know where I am, so that she knows I’m safe, even if I am 22. For loving me when I’m not so lovable. For always doing what you can to help me. For giving me laughs and smiles, and for -almost- always picking my side and supporting me in everything I do. Thank you for looking out for me, especially since you’ve seen all the heartbreak that I have had to endure. Thank you for being both my mom and my dad. I love you more than you know.
Thank you to my grandparents, grandpa and grandma “cow lady.” Thank you for always being there for me. For telling me all those silly stories. For having water-gun (or hose) fights with me. For always supporting me. For calling me and for having me over whenever I just decide to show up. For being the best grandparents I could ever ask for. For showing me what true love is, and what a loving, healthy, relationship looks like. I always tell people I want a love like yours when I grow old. Thank you for all that you do. I love you. And thank you Uncle Richard for always putting a smile on my face, and being the best uncle a girl could ask for! I love you, too.
Thank you to my brother. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on. For not judging me no matter how dumb my decision. For being so open with me, and for all those weird conversations we have. For helping me get unstuck, whether its out of sand or a sticky situation, or a funk. For being my twin. For loving me no matter how many arguments we get in, or what dumb stuff we decide to say when we are angry. For being you. For making me laugh, smile, and for letting me always be myself. I am so grateful we are so close, and that we have the relationship that we do. I know we can always count on one another. I love you to the moon and back, bubby.
Thank you to my “Mom,” Mrs.D. (Names shortened for privacy sake.) Thank you for all of your kind words of wisdom. For supporting what makes me happy, as long as it’s in my best interest. For the occasional dose of tough, honest love. For always being honest with me, instead of just telling me what I need to hear. Thank you for being there when I need you the most. Thank you for the movie nights, the walks, and our conversations at your dinner table. Thank you for all that you have done. I can never thank you enough. You forever hold a piece and a place in my heart.
Thank you to anyone who’s ever been there or supported me in my endeavors. Thank you for anyone who has played the mom or dad role at some point in my life. Thank you to anyone in my life. Thank you.
While I might not have my father on Fathers Day, I do have those who have played that role at some point or another. My family is the best family I could ask for. We have our moments, and sometimes things aren’t all rainbows and butterflies, but at the end of the day, they’re my family. They love me. I am so thankful for them.
When this Fathers Day tears me down, I know that they will be there to pick me up and dust me off. I know that they will provide me with laughs, with smiles, and with love. I know that they’re there, even when my real dad isn’t.
Although you won’t read this, and even though you don’t talk to me, I am thankful that my two brothers have a relationship with you. I am grateful for that. While I don’t get to experience that, I would hate for any of your other children to feel your absence. I know first hand how devastating it is. So….
Happy Fathers Day, Dad.