Warning—this post does contain some very personal and darker thoughts about the events that have occurred over the last few days.
I am not entirely sure that I should be writing right now.
I am not sure that my mind is well enough to properly express my feelings without damaging my mental state even more.
I do know for sure that writing has always been a positive outlet for me, and so here I am, trying to see if anything positive can come of this.
The last few days have been completely draining. I’ve never wanted to sleep so much in my life. I don’t have the capacity to stay awake for long periods of time. I really am unaware of what is healthy for me and what is unhealthy for me in these moments.
This post is almost certainly going to be a jumble of thoughts. It won’t be like my other posts where I have a set agenda. I can’t do that right now. I just need to get my feelings and thoughts out in type.
Thursday night was as huge turning point in my life. Very much so damaging. A train wreck that I did not ever see coming.
Friday, all day, was spent in the ER.
It was humiliating to watch the nurses drag everything but the bed out of that room. I just stood there and stared. Bagged up all of my belongings. Every last thing except for my glasses. I couldn’t even wear my jewelry. It was awful to say the least.
It’s also an awful feeling to have everyone telling you that you need help, and you can’t do it on your own, and that it’s only going to get worse if I don’t handle it, and that I’m not a weak person for being in that ER.
I can’t help but think that the whole reason I wound up in the ER in the first place is because I am weak. Strong people don’t have thoughts and feelings and actions like I did. Not any of the strong people I know.
I slept until 5 PM today. Damn near anyway. More like naps throughout the day. Waking up really to only check my phone.
I can’t help but feel bad, since today is my brothers 20th birthday. I want to be there with him, but I can’t. I would only bring the party down, as I can’t fake enjoyment.
Yesterday was a good day. I will say that.
Today, is not bad, but it is not good. Mostly I just feel extremely tired. Like I haven’t slept in a few days. It’s crazy, how much your mood affects that.
While in the ER they diagnosed me with major depression. I can’t help but laugh at that. I feel as though I most definitely do NOT have major depression. I have depressive episodes. I am NOT as a whole, depressed. Then I also think to myself that my thoughts on that don’t make much sense, that they’re doctors and they know what they’re talking about. That if I was so happy then I wouldn’t have wanted to kill myself Thursday night.
This experience also sucks because it shows you who truly cares. Those who I thought would be worried aren’t, and people I never expected to give a damn, do. People I’m not even close with have been checking on me every day, just to make sure I am ok, telling me that if I need anything they’ll be there. All the while people I considered friends, don’t give a single shit. No texts. No calls. Nothing. Just silence. So, in a way I am grateful. It’s weeding out unnecessary people and those who aren’t truly my friends. It also hurts. Knowing that you’re losing people. Is it really a loss though?
In those moments Thursday night, I was screaming. Quite literally screaming. I had never gripped my steering wheel so hard in my life. I never wanted so badly to drive myself off of the road. I had never felt pain like that. So much anger for my parents. So much hatred for myself. So much hatred for anyone who has ever abandoned me. When you feel that way, nothing makes sense. I got home and continued to spiral. I passed the point of anger and transitioned into numbness. I didn’t care to feel anything at all. That night, I looked in the bathroom mirror, and saw the ugliest girl I have ever seen in my life. That, of course, sent me even further down the spiral.
How could someone love someone so ugly? No wonder everyone leaves. No wonder I feel the way I do.
I did not recognize even for a second the girl in the mirror. It wasn’t me, was it?
To that I say, no. It wasn’t me. But it most certainly was a part of me.
I have a very long road ahead of me. I have no idea what it’s going to take to make me healthy again. I won’t say that I am unhealthy, as I have come such a long way since a year ago. My walls came down, and I am finally feeling all of the pain from the past five years. I am finally able to cope, or rather learn to cope, with all of the damage in my life. That is why I had my breakdown.
I know there will be more. That’s the scary part. This battle is so far from over. The only thing I can ask for is support in these hard times. I am NOT okay. That really, truly, sucks to say. I will, however, be alright. This much I know.
I know that I will not harm myself.
I know that I will not kill myself.
I know I will eventually be okay.
While some days it will feel like everything is collapsing in on me, at the end of the day I have all too much to live for. Right now it feels as though there isn’t exactly a whole lot, but in my moments of clarity I know that I am worth living.